Mixed vs BH Allsorts Moose

Oscar’s match report 19/06/25

It’s like I said, I will be there no matter what. When I care about something, I’ll always get them to change their mind in the end, and realise what truly matters. All it took this time was copious persuasion techniques, a convincing argument as long as this match report, help from certain members of the team, and even the head of science getting involved, who overheard disgruntled conversation between myself and Lilly about the fact I couldn’t play and chipped in to convince my parents. And I’m glad they were persuaded, as it was another sound victory for the might mixed team tonight, capped off by the bonus of almost no unnecessary fights today! Well done us. To start, I was told not to write a match report until after my two exams tomorrow but I thought I could bang it out before Frase notices. I’m was wrong. Many 25/26 summer league debutants were on the team sheet, with 6 new faces making a delightful impact. The likes of Ryan (Rhino) Ingram, Durbs, Anish, Mobbsie, Lily Downes and Super Ross Rayner in net were brought in by the gaffer coley to strengthen our position in the mixed summer league.

A quick little thanks to FT for once again running the subs and giving me permission to play on this evening. Less of a thanks for the pre-match sandwich, for reasons which will remain unmentioned. Genuinely minging.

Let’s talk hockey. With the sun scorching down on all of us, risking everyone a painful burn to wake up to, besides Lilly who was already redder than a tomato from her irresponsible tanning sesh the day before. Those who were at the AGM know what I’m on about, and those who weren’t, shame on you. Everyone go follow Harpenden HC on Instagram right now, as we’ve got two new social media directors and it’s going to be popping. The match started with Harpenden on the front foot, you’ll never believe our press was banging, and therefore we were knocking at the door. Durbs provided that much needed class at the back in the place of Gibbo, especially when paired with the liability that is our gaffer Coley. That being said, I couldn’t name any passes from Big C that went wayward today, nor were there any miracle balls - well in. Along with this, Anish filled in at centre half, and whilst he had a little scare in the first half, he made up for this with a delightful reverse pickup, delightful stuff.

Our left and right backs in Steph and Lilly were brilliant, shutting down both lanes in emphatic fashion. With the occasional bomb forward from the red one (Lilly) producing some sensational skills to provide even more attacking prowess. And what about that Rhino we had balling around. Serious player. Look forward to when he stops going to that private school and starts taking his future at this club seriously. Genuinely.

And what about that midfield? With the lack of top 3 ladies ever Amelie playing today due to her taking exams more seriously than others, we needed a replacement worthy of filling that gap. And by god did we have one in Mobbsie, whose technical ability outshone the oppo, conjuring an intense and constant threat. Mr Amos paired perfectly with Mobbsie, combining to create a force that rivalled a prime Moussa dembele and Christian Eriksen for the mighty Tottenham. Awe inspiring stuff. Finally our glorious Jonny Turner. A stellar performance from him today, capped off with his first goal for the club (I think, I can never tell if people are joking or not) which we’ll come to shortly.

Our strike force today was impressive, Lily Downes was brilliant, unmarkable at times, constantly making runs in behind to put us in fantastic positions, only to be let down by the lumbering general G or big OT at centre forward. I’ve been revising all day what’s your excuse? As ever, Evie was a great link between play, producing some wonderful passes and strikes to cause mayhem in the D, and Erin was a tricky person for a defender to get stuck with, her pressure resulting in many overturned balls. Finally Emily Martin, fresh out of her A-levels and with a new spring in her step, absolutely rapid on the wing, and another problem for any defender tasked with stopping her.

Not much happened in the first quarter, the most notable moment was a lovely breakaway from the mighty Harpenden, lead by Lily Downes, squaring it to me, where unfortunately I was caught off balance so couldn’t get a shot away meaning we had to recycle. Now here I’d like to mention that one of the best things about Mixed is the chance for juniors to grow as players and people, to be coaxed out of their shell to flourish and blossom underneath the watchful eye of their elder mentors playing the same position. Well I’m stuck with George, so instead of encouragement I got a shouting down. Not happy, genuinely. 

So what about that second quarter? When George was on the pitch not much happened I’m afraid. We did have a great chance though, coming through our delightful attacking threat of Evie and Erin, we had the keeper flopping around in the middle of the pitch like a fish out of water, all we needed was for the ball to fall  to someone who knew where the goal was. Let’s just say he wasn’t very smug anymore. So FT had seen enough, off came general G and on I came, and clearly this was the difference. That and Emily providing some incredibly energy on the right which lead to our first goal of the night. A lovely bit of passing, interwoven through Mobbsie, Emily, Henry and Evie before falling to the mighty Jonny Turner who received it at the top of the D, looked up, saw the keeper and thought ‘why not’?  Bosh! A lovely shot saw that ball nestle in the corner and Harpenden were one up!

Halftime was uneventful, nothing happened so let’s move on. 

We’re into the third quarter now, and Harpenden remained on top, on the bench Emily was adamant she ‘wanted us to score’ so it was good to know we were all on the same team. Well I don’t know what A levels she took, but one of them must have been fortune telling, as lo and behold her prayers were answered.  A scrappy little moment of madness in the D led to Lily producing a tidy finish to score on her mixed debut! Level on goals with me already so just chill out now I reckon. After the goal, off came Henry for a break, who was so exhausted from the heat that Emily was concerned for him. Just like last week with Charlie, as soon as she realised there was no need to fear, she went back to her jokes, claiming he looked like he’d seen a ghost. It was clear that some people couldn’t hack this heat. Could you imagine? 

The last thing for the third quarter was actually a goal for the opposition. Heartbreaking. The goal was nice, ball fired in to their centre forward, he traps it dead and reverse slaps it in. Hang on? We’ll have a look, of course we’ll have a look. He’s used his reverse? We’ve agreed they aren’t allowed! So after a quick complaint from big C, reminding Vijay of the ever changing rules (if only there was some actual set guidlines everyone should follow) and the goal was disallowed, upsetting our oppo slightly. Get in there, it most certainly can go on like this. 

So on came the fourth quarter. It was our turn to give the ball to the opposition from push back, after all this is a friendly league game. Up steps George, who decides to send our first aerial of the season with some genuine menace to their centre back, sparking some serious concern within the team. Read the room mate. Read. The. Room. Back with George at the centre spot now, and he plays a nice little pass to their midfielder. He then fires an aerial straight into our D, which is brought down and now we’re in serious trouble. Up until this point I haven’t mentioned Ross Rayner, and that’s because his goalkeeping ability is so good that I feared if I didn’t leave it late, I would struggle to stop. Down he went, warding that ball away instantly, however it only got as far as another attacker, who shot and was thwarted once again by the mighty Ross, who did well to get up off that ball that would otherwise be trapped beneath him for Coley to swipe away. Electric start to the finishing quarter I know.

So all Harpenden need to do is hold on, and we’ve got another three points under our belts. And there’s not many better to keep a composed midfield than Mobbsie, who sent through another aerial (this one allowed) to Lily who picked it up nicely, before feeding me through, weaving past defenders and winning a short through a chopping stick tackle. Obviously they had to do this otherwise that ball was going top bins. As we’re lining up, we hear the call for final play, and up come the cavalry. We’re all getting ready, Steph’s preparing another one of her pinpoint injections, meanwhile Lilly’s talking in my ear about some chicken wrap manoeuvre. Time and a place mate. Time and a place. After silence befell the pitch (thank god) the signal was given and Steph wizzed a ball to the top of the D, straight into Mobbsie, who as you can expect unleashed a relentless slap, going straight through the keepers legs, and securing Harpenden the 3-0 victory.

After the match, me, Lilly and Evie were whisked away from the clubhouse due to two of us having an exam the next day (or in my case 2 😬) and Evie just needing to get home really. It’s becoming pretty obvious that us as juniors really struggle to give directions - not aided by FT’s deteriorating navigational ability, getting lost for the second week in a row on the way up to the match. Evie had to pull out the classic line of ‘all roads in Batford lead to my house eventually’ after we had missed the optimal route to get her home twice. This was followed by getting lost on the way out trying to get Lilly home. 

This might have been due to Frase not focusing on driving, but instead confronting us about a plot to sneak me out of my own house to enable me to play last night before he graciously let me go, to which Lilly skilfully denied under pressure.  He’s none the wiser and we’re not getting locked up today 🙅. And a new plan was formed to get this match report out on time as I was forbidden from writing one until after exams were over, however I ran out of time to get it to Lilly to give to you all to enjoy, as once again I got carried away, allowing mother to order me to cease construction of another wordy report. And there’s a line I will not cross when it comes to disobedience, so you’re getting it late. Onto next week, where we will be there no matter what…